Friday, October 25, 2013

The Zeb file, section "Offenses, Recent"

- Opened several bottles of water, emptied them onto the floor, then refilled them and emptied them again, then threw all the soda and seltzer cans out of the cabinet onto the wet floor, causing several to be wrecked without opening as evidenced by the bulging cans
- Shows absolutely no interest in potty training. Claims to be "scared" of the potty when placed upon it, screams and cries until he is taken off, then five minutes later takes a man-sized dump full of impossible-to-remove black banana specks in his pants.
- Has huge crying fits and claims to be tired when forced to do such horrific things as putting on a shirt or going to the playground
- Drools constantly and voluminously - is always soaked in a mixture of drool and spilled water, and has started chewing and mouthing more things than the baby does
- Bolts away at full speed in public places
- Ripped the cover of the atlas in half, ripped pages out of the Waldo books he loves
- Repeat naptime escape artist - can pick the lock on the door. Climbs up on top of the bunk beds and throws things at the fan if the ladder is not disabled pre-nap. Draws all over himself and his bedclothes. Took his diaper off and ran around naked because his cheap Daddy-purchased generic diaper had some stringy stuff coming off of it so he ripped it all off and claimed it was "spiderwebs," then wrapped his genitals in the spiderwebs. Only naps one fifth of the time, rest of the time will just wreak havoc, but he NEEDS to nap because when he doesn't he's SOOOOOOOO cranky the rest of the day
- Turns the cable box off all the time, which messes with the DVR and takes several minutes to reset itself
- Ate a candy off the ground in a gross mall petstore (apparently a result of being born without the ability to listen to any instructions ever)
- Flushed a rubber snake down the toilet in the morning and broke out the produce cleaning spray and sprayed his brothers, the fridge, the table, his playpen and his breakfast with it, claiming it was "syrup;" then about half an hour into his morning "TV time" (when he's supposed to be watching TV while I nurse the baby and catch my breath for half a second) he broke my cherished green glass head that we got off the free table in our apartment building in the funky neighborhood of Seattle nine years ago, which spread fifteen billion tiny shards of glass all over the downstairs tile floor

Let's go back to a Zeb happy place:

This is just the terrible twos, right? And he's just going to magically turn into a perfectly behaved Dennis the non-Menace in a couple of weeks when he turns three, right? RIGHT?!?!

1 comment:

  1. Too funny! My name is Heather and I was just wondering if you would be willing to answer my quick question about your blog! If you could please email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com I would greatly appreciate it!